Fear
by PetPetAngel
Summary: After years of conditioning, I don't feel a thing! That was what Merton said when he was dumped off hand. But could years of conditioning have prepared him to be rejected by someone he truly loved, a very special, special werewolf? TommyMerton, for Cyanid


-

Fear

Written by:

PetPetAngel

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Pairing: Tommy/Merton

Notes: Nearing five' o'clock here in NY, but I promised Cyanide Roulette that I would finish, FOR HER, a Tommy/Merton fanfic. By tonight. Which, for me it technically still IS tonight. So. I must say, I'm rather pleased with how this all turned out, actually! I hope she does too, because I would hate to know I stayed up to past five for nothing. Also, I haven't read any fics besides Cyanide's, I don't know if this is horribly clichéd or not. Sorry!

Warnings_: THERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS FIC FOR THE ENTIRES SERIES. OKAY. _

-

"_Don't ask me,  
Why the world is...  
Only you're with my mind,  
Like me with your mind,  
You shine my life,  
And I hear the whisper that in my life...  
'There is **only you**…'"_

- "Numai Tu" (Only You) – O-Zone

-

Merton knew exactly why he was so afraid. He never had a werewolf friend before, and no matter how awesomely cool it was to have one, it was also a little bit unnerving. But there was something that Tommy did to him that made him forget his fear for just long enough for him to practically pledge he'd always been there for him.

It wasn't fear that made him do it though. It wasn't out of fear that he wished that Tommy Dawkins would pay more attention to him. It wasn't out of pure fear that he said he'd help him out. At first, it was just 'cause it was cool.

But then it wasn't that simple anymore. It wasn't just because Tommy was just as cool being hairy as he was a Senior in high school. Maybe it was just as he had already said – maybe he wished that Tommy Dawkins would pay more attention to him. But what were the chances of that? The guy hadn't noticed him since kindergarten. Why would he start now?

He never thought of how it could turn out in the end.

-

He finally had a friend. Perhaps this friend of his thought he was a little bit strange, but who didn't? Maybe, maybe this Tommy Dawkins could turn out to be a good friend, and not the kind he had had before. The kind that got your hopes up and then decided you weren't good enough for them. Then they turned on you and pointed and laughed at you.

He had always wanted friends. Good friends. But he didn't want to sacrifice his unique, individualistic personality to get them. He wanted friends who liked him for who he was, not what they thought he could be.

His want for friends had always been a problem though. His best friend had always fallen out in the end, and he wound up alone again. And ever since he'd met Tommy, he needed others. No, Merton thought. He didn't need others to be there with him.

He needed Tommy to be a good friend.

-

Merton felt funny. It wasn't because he had nearly fallen down a well to his doom, or been strangled to death by a strangler who's wrist finally were strong enough to strangle, no. Falling down that well would've been interesting if the Pleasantville Strangler hadn't been down there already.

He felt bad because he had so quickly thrown away Tommy's importance when he had fallen down the well. He had felt the sinking feeling in his stomach around that time, but then he was throwing away Tommy like he meant nothing. Tommy meant a lot of things, but nothing wasn't one of them.

And then again, he felt funny because his stomach was doing flip flops. He almost could recognize the feeling as if he was nauseous, but at the same time it wasn't. It was rather pleasant, this feeling. And all this feeling was because of Tommy. Tommy had been holding him.

Merton guessed that he kind of liked it when Tommy held him that way.

-

He had failed Tommy. Yes, of course Tommy was alright, but he had failed. He had promised (to himself, of course) that he would always be there to figure things out with him when the new bad guy came out as if they were on some freak show. Well, actually that would be rather cool but…

He had been so afraid as he realized he had told Vesper that Tommy was a werewolf. So afraid that he wouldn't get there in time, or for once Tommy wouldn't be strong enough to fight her off. She was a girl for one, and Tommy didn't hit girls, which came to be a problem since a girl was hunting him.

He'd felt rather stupid calling Tommy a good werewolf even though he shed all over his lair, but he couldn't think of some other way to defend Tommy. Even though it was a cliché run down to its death, why did everyone have to think _all_ werewolves were bad? Stupid media.

But… Tommy always ditched him for Stacy. He came second to her. Why couldn't he make Tommy second to _his_ needs, _his_ wants? Why did Tommy always have to come first, even if his happiness was right in front of him?

Because, came the answer. Because Tommy is more important. But more important than my happiness? Yes, the answer came again from his conscious, he's all you have. When Merton was ready to say aloud that Tommy _wasn't_ all he had, he stopped. Blinked. Blinked again and then blinked a few more times.

He was.

-

Even though he was mostly terrified for himself because he was going to go freakin' _invisible_, Merton was worried, afraid, about something else, too. How would Tommy react to know he was disappearing and that when he completely disappeared he would disappear forever and ever and never come back?

Maybe he was creating a nice little illusion for himself – maybe he was just completely blind or far too hopeful (which, really, these days, who isn't?) but Tommy needed him. Even if it was just to deal with his lycanthropy, Tommy still needed him for something. He didn't want to leave that hope that it was more than just his knowledge and Tommy's lycanthropy that made Tommy want him near.

Would Tommy miss him if he didn't get there in time? Would Tommy go on with his life, hide during the full moon and forget that he had ever helped him? Merton prayed that that was just a little bit less possible than it truly was.

Because unlike me, Merton thought cynically, he can move on in life, where as I cling to every thing, person, or animal that I can get my hands on. Merton sighed, knowing Tommy _would_ be over him soon enough, and that the chances were he wouldn't bother with the trouble of having an invisible friend.

Merton hoped that maybe, just maybe they could work out a plan.

-

Panic. That was all that Merton felt once he saw Tommy on that tape, being played on the local news. He could get hurt, the idiot! It was too big a risk while it was little, and yet here was Tommy acting as if he could walk around and be normal just like he wished he could.

But he couldn't and that was the problem.

-

Merton truly didn't want to be so happy that Stacy was gone, he really didn't, but he was and he couldn't help it. There was something about Stacy that had always bugged him. Maybe it was the way she was always flipping out at Tommy for missing dates. Not that he could blame her, but he was sort of angry at her for one thing…

"He's the kind of guy who takes you and then bails on you in the middle of a date? Oh, oh no, that's _you_. Sorry Tommy."

That would take some time to get over.

-

Okay, so maybe his problems were quite over yet. There was this new girl, named Lori. Merton sort of had mixed feelings about her. While she was definitely attractive, he wasn't sure whether she was Tommy's kind of gal. While his hormones probably thought he was great, the sick feeling in his stomach didn't quell. Even after a long night of reading Edger Allen Poe, he couldn't quite shake the feeling.

He didn't want to become in charge of Tommy's life. He didn't want to choose Tommy's dates, or the people he hung out with. He didn't want any of that. If he were to take charge of Tommy's life, then Tommy wouldn't be Tommy anymore. No, he didn't want any of that. He wanted…

Him.

-

He couldn't help what he did at the Quiz Bowl, it wasn't _his_ fault!

But then… Why had it felt so _good_ to grab Tommy by the shoulders and kiss him? Granted it was only on the cheek, but somewhere deep inside of Merton, he sort of felt like he could do that everyday instead of once and have Tommy shun him for it. Even as Tommy pushed him away, it was like a game. It was as if he just wasn't ready to play.

No, Merton thought to himself, closing his eyes shut tight. He wasn't going to risk losing Tommy because of his hormones, or his stupid, inane feelings. He didn't _like_ Tommy that way, he really didn't. He wasn't going to lose the only friend he ever had because he was greedy… Because… Because…

He wanted more.

-

So he didn't want Tommy to tell his former self about becoming a werewolf… That wasn't his fault, was it? He wanted to have friends; he wanted to have Tommy… And there was no saying that Tommy former self knowing that he would become a werewolf _wouldn't_ change the future, rather….

Merton was afraid it would.

Okay, so maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he was being selfish in wanting Tommy all to himself, and being stupid to think that Tommy would chose him over a completely normal, popular life as a jock. What kind of stupidity, idiocy, was that? He shouldn't have let himself get so connected to Tommy, but it had been so _cool_ at the time.

He didn't want to lose Tommy. For once in his life he finally felt like he truly, truly belonged. Even as Tommy was yelling at him for some stupid thing or other, he felt like he belonged. With Tommy. And not only was it true that messing up the past could have serious ramifications but it was also for himself. Maybe it was selfish.

Maybe Merton shouldn't have taken the time he had with Tommy for granted.

-

Vince was a lot scarier then he remembered, but maybe it was the fact that Vince was trying to hurt Tommy. Maybe Vince was even trying to kill him. That was the only good point Lori had had recently – why _did_ he have a psychopath for an imaginary friend? Why not the Easter Bunny or Barney? Or some other rubbish like that?

He had wished so fervently that he had better communication skills than when he had been trying to persuade Vince into not killing Tommy, or worse – _him._ He liked Tommy and all (he's always been there for you, his mind interjected) but he couldn't help Tommy and keep his promise if he was _dead._

But Vince was persistent. He wanted Tommy out of the picture – it was like that cliché that had been in way too many movies to count – the sort of "If I can't have him, no one can!" And while he almost missed Vince's antics (he had always found the 'It's Vince, in the library, with the hammer' speech pattern cute) he needed Tommy now. He needed real friends, not Vince.

No one could ever hurt his Tommy.

-

Merton really couldn't remember a time when he was more scared than when he was buried alive. There was nothing strange about being scared while being buried alive that you're going to eventually run out of air and die (to put it rather cheerfully, he thought). But that wasn't the entire reason that he was terrified.

He was terrified because he thought Tommy wouldn't get there in time. He thought Tommy wouldn't get there at all, and then he'd die a sad death. Maybe they'd proclaim him missing, and never find him. Maybe they'd figure far enough as to the fact he was killed, but never learn who his killer was. But he was afraid of something else, too. He was afraid that… That…

Well, technically he was afraid of a lot of things. Lori, his sister, wolfed Tommy (in some cases – while in others it still gave him a little thrill inside), his parents finding out about how he skipped on eating his vegetables last night… But those were silly things (minus the Tommy wolf thing). Those things could be fixed. But one you die, you die. He was afraid that… That…

Merton was afraid he'd never get to tell Tommy how he truly felt.

-

Death had come for Tommy. It was a little bit unexpected, but it had truly, truly come to take his life away. Merton could hardly remember a time when he had been so scared, and for once he knew he wasn't scared just for himself. He was scared for himself in part, either. He was scared for Tommy. Scared that maybe, just maybe, god forbid, he'd lose him. For good.

But he couldn't lose Tommy – no, he couldn't lose _his_ Tommy. He hadn't tried as hard as he could to save Tommy's butt when he went after Stacy of Lori for nothing. He didn't do all that, promise to himself he would always stand by Tommy to let him just _die_. The idea of 'Tommy' and 'die' in the same sentence had never troubled him so much before.

And even after it was long done, when his room was empty again and he collapsed onto his bed, Merton still felt that feeling of dread, of horror, of fear for Tommy. He couldn't shake the feeling as hard as he wanted to. He couldn't shake the feeling that his Tommy wasn't still in danger.

So Merton curled up into a little ball into bed and stared nervously at the ceiling, pulling anxiously on his hair in an old habit he had recently picked up. He took several 'calming' breaths, just like his old therapist had taught him when he had gotten too caught up in something with Vince. He pulled the covers far over his head and bit his lip.

And when he felt the covers being pulled away from him, at first he tried to pull them back. But when something _jumped_ on his bed, he couldn't help but scream, close to hysteria. Before he realized what was going on, he heard a laugh ringing down the hall. He glared at the ceiling and hugged himself tightly, eventually squeezing his eyes shut.

Death was still after his Tommy, and Merton had the terrible feeling he would be for a while.

-

Merton sometimes wondered if the injuries Tommy sustained during his fights with his assorted crap he had to deal with stayed with him as scars. He had wanted to ask his friend for a long time, but had never been able to find the words. He felt embarrassed to ask it right out, fearing maybe it was something personal.

But one day he did ask, and Tommy stopped arranging things in his locker absentmindedly. Merton mentally hit himself and unknowingly banged his head into his own locker rather painfully. He murmured a soft 'Owwww' but let it go. "Hey man, don't do that," Tommy told him. Merton looked at him curiously, blinking a few times to clear his head that was now swimming. He hadn't _really_ his head _that_ hard, had he?

"And to answer your question," Merton's mind became clear, "It all depends if I want them to." Tommy smiled a mysterious smile to him that Merton couldn't quite place what emotion it conveyed. He nodded vaguely as Tommy patted him on the back and walked away, soon to have Lori talking to him and he would chat to her readily.

Distinctly, he wished he could use that clock to turn back time and erase what had just happened.

-

He had wanted to do this for a long time, but he had been too afraid. In the back of his mind, Merton thought that maybe he was still too afraid, and that adrenaline was the only reason he was walking up to Tommy with that determined expression on his face. He had had no sleep last night and created a hell for himself at school, and he couldn't wait to _leave._ He gulped.

"Uh, Tommy?"

"Hey, yeah Merton? You okay? You look pale-r than usual."

If he hadn't been so horribly nervous at the time he would've laughed because he sensed that there was a joking tone in that last statement somewhere. He bit his lip anxiously, nodding an affirmative that he really was okay even though he really wasn't. He tried to hide the way his hands shook, but was almost certain that Tommy would notice it anyway.

"Hey, uh, Tommy… I just wanted to… Well I just thought that… I just- screw it."

With eyes squeezed shut, Merton threw all caution to the wind and placed his lips firmly on Tommy's. In public, where everyone could see them. He knew this could damage Tommy's popularity, but right then he didn't care. The feeling of Tommy's lips on his, even if only for a few moments, drove him crazy. He felt like pressing forward but he didn't even know what Tommy thought yet.

As he pulled away he creaked his eyes open nervously. What he had been afraid of was actually happening. The wolf was coming out, and it might've just been the fact it was the wolf but he looked pretty pissed off. Merton bit his lip and shook his head sadly. Giving Tommy one last peck on the cheek, he ran like the wind to his lair.

He had lost _his_ Tommy. Maybe he had just lost Tommy altogether. Tommy was gone.

-

He was there, staring at the ceiling when Tommy arrived. He was still the wolf and he still looked angry, so Merton spoke, "Okay, I'm sorry! Okay! I didn't mean to do that! Well, okay, technically I did, but I didn't mean to _feel this way_ ya know? I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help itttttt---"

Tommy cut him off quickly and effectively. As he returned from his wolf form, he pulled away from Merton who was staring at him with a mixture of confusion, shock, and… Fear? On his face? Tommy gripped the smaller's shoulders. "It is okay. We will survive," he said, shaking the teen lightly.

"You're not mad? You're not going to kill me?" Merton asked cautiously, finally letting his hands drop from where they had been guarding his face only moments before. "But what about Lori- but you were just angry and you wolfed on me!"

Tommy stared around the cluttered basement for a moment just until Merton was ready to say, 'Are you even listening to me!', but he locked eyes with Merton and they flared gold for the shortest of moments. "I was afraid, okay! I didn't know how to react to having my best friend kiss me, ya know? But it's okay," Tommy said awkwardly. "No one's gonna die."

"You were afraid? Of what! I'm the-"

"Just take my word for it, okay, Merton? Please? Pretty please?"

Tommy pouted cutely towards Merton who waved the gesture away. Grabbing his hands, Merton pulled Tommy into his bed with him. "You may shed _all over_ my lair, but you are a good wolf," Merton said absentmindedly. "And the last I checked, you weren't the kind to hide with your tail between your legs, right?"

And for just a minute or two, all the worry, anxiety, and fear washed away like it had never been.


End file.
